The Reason Chris Dudley Was Face-Down on a Massage Table Wearing 15 Headbands

The state of the Portland Trail Blazers locker room in the early 2000s was sheer and utter chaos.

However, all of the frequent and numerous incidents pale in comparison to one involving Chris Dudley, a massage table, and at least 15 headbands.

Caught Between A Jail Cell and A Championship

After the “Bust a Bucket” Blazers failed to win an NBA title in the early 90s thanks to Isaiah Thomas and Michael Jordan, respectively, the team was hoping for a quick rebuild.

Enter “Trader Bob.”

New General Manager Bob Whitsitt had a knack for doing deals, like a pawnbroker, but for players.

He got straight down to business, trading away Clyde “The Glyde” Drexler at his request, letting Terry Porter along with Cliff Robinson, and his headband walk in free agency, and bringing in new players, such as hot-tempered Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire, who would eventually help lead the team back to the Western Conference Finals.

But Bob’s wheeling and dealing also had some unintended side effects.

Some of these guys made Charles Oakley look like Gandhi

According to Blazer’s alumnus Bonzi Wells, who played for the team between 2000-03, some of the guys on the squad made NBA villains look like Gandhi.

Truer words may never have been spoken by Bonzi.

From Shawn Kemp taking coke (not the soft drink) breaks during practice to Rasheed Wallace breaking the NBA record for most technical fouls in a single season with 41, and no less than three others, including Qyntel Woods, in the most hilarious way possible catching criminal cases.

The aptly named Portland “Jail Blazers” walked so the 2023-24 Charlotte Hornets could run.

Get your Trail Blazers jerseys, shorts, and team apparel. No jumpsuits, unfortunately.

Even head coach Maurice Cheeks was oblivious, with Wells saying “Try imagining having Stevie Wonder as a basketball coach.”

This is believable, given that Wells was once suspended for two games without pay for cursing at Cheeks during a team practice.

By and large, team veterans like Scottie Pippen, Dale Davis, and Arvydas Sabonis, whom Rasheed Wallace would occasionally call “Saboners” from time to time, were exempt from such tomfoolery…except for one incident.

A Shouting Match Over Hookers

Sometime during 2002, the year before Trader Bob would ditch the dysfunctional team he created, some players were working out in the gym before practice and got into a not-so-minor kerfuffle.

The two players at the center of the dust-up were recently drafted power forward Zach Randolph, who had already managed to get arrested for underage drinking, and journeyman Jeff McInnis, who was no stranger to conflict.

What were they so heated about?

It was hookers.

According to Wells’ first-hand account, this type of stuff happened “every other day” so most learned to just ignore it.

This would have been the case this time around as well…if Zach hadn’t lost his shit and fired a 5 lb. plate directly at Jeff’s head. Fortunately, the plate missed.

Unfortunately, it somehow managed to hit veteran center Chris Dudley, who was working out nearby directly in the back of the head.

Duds, the protagonist of our story, was out cold on the floor.

In a rather ingenious move, Antonio Daniels and the Blazer with the greatest name of all time, Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje carried Dudley to a massage table and laid him face down so that anyone who saw him would just think he was waiting to get a massage.

But there was another problem.

Apparently, the metal plate opened up a nasty gash on the back of Chris’ head.

So, Bonzi Wells, who always kept a trusty supply of headbands in his locker for emergency purposes, frantically started wrapping as many headbands as he could get his hands on around Chris’ head to try to stop the bleeding.

The emergency headband appendage worked and Duds woke up about 10 minutes later wondering what the hell happened and why he was wearing 15 headbands.

Over the years, some have cast doubts on the accuracy of this account, but I say you simply can’t make this shit up🤣